She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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