At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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