you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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