forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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