Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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