Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
