I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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