Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
