I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I smell stomach acid.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
