how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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