if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
