My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
