smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
