i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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