Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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