It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
