Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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