Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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