I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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