Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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