i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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