We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
