well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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