last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
