I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
