mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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