Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
