I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
