the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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