he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
A bitchslap is in order.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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