When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
