well I can't set my house on fire every night
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
