I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
