I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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