Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
