If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
