Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
