The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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