Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
