Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
