I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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