This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
