Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
