My liver just broke up with me...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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