i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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