I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
