I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
