currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
