She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
