We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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